As parents, we often find ourselves in situations where we need to share difficult or scary information with our children. Whether it's a family crisis, a world event, or even just the harsh realities of life, these conversations can be challenging. But they are also crucial for building trust and resilience in our kids. Let me take you through how my family and I navigated this rocky terrain. We faced an incredibly delicate situation with our daughter. She is no stranger to surgeries, big and small. And at 7 years old, she had been through some serious procedures and illnesses. We had to find the delicate balance between preparing her and overloading here.

Setting the Scene

Picture this: It was a typical August evening and we were 5 days out from a huge surgery for our daughter. We were just chatting with the girls, but dread swallowed me whole. I knew we needed to discuss this upcoming surgery. I had reached out to her surgeon and asked him if he could provide some guidance in explaining enough to her that she understood, but not so much that she was terrified. He was so gentle with his response and gave me some basic things to tell her: remind her that we would keep her comfortable, that I would be with her during her recovery, that he would come see her before and after surgery, and that we were fixing her airway so she could breathe better.  She would be safe.

Preparing Ourselves First

Before diving into the conversation with her, my husband and I took some time to prepare ourselves emotionally and mentally. We knew that if we were anxious or upset, it would only make things harder for her (and her sister, because we would be apart for a couple weeks). So, we talked it out between us first—our fears, our hopes, and how best to approach the subject. We talked about the message from her surgeon and decided how to incorporate that into our discussion.

We decided on three key points:
1. Be honest but gentle.
2. Use age-appropriate language, including specific language from her surgeon. (At this point we'd already been through 40+ procedures with him and she loved and trusted him.)
3. Allow her to express their feelings.

Choosing the Right Moment

Timing is everything when it comes to sharing difficult news. We didn't want to blurt it out during a hectic morning rush or right before bedtime when emotions run high. So, after dinner seemed like the perfect moment—everyone was relaxed, and there was ample time for discussion and comfort. We also didn't want to have this discussion WEEKS before her procedure because the waiting would be agony. She needed enough time to process and ask questions, but not enough time to completely stress.

The Conversation Begins

We decided on a positive approach. Her breathing had been labored for some time, she would experience stridor (noisy breathing) and retractions (using accessory muscles to help her breathe, mostly pulling up under her ribs). She got winded walking to the car. She wanted to be able to do things: play at school with her friends, run around a playground, walk from the car to a store without people stopping us, asking if she was OK. (Yes, people stopped us.)

We told her that she needed to go see her friends at the hospital (we always worked to have a strong, trusting, and positive relationship with her care team). This wasn't going to go away and she needed to know that we always did what we thought was best for her, with guidance from her team, as well as allowing her to help with decisions as her age and maturity allowed. We told her that she'd be safe, that her team wanted to make her breathing better so she could do more without being in distress, that I'd be with her, she'd be comfortable. We explained that she'd have a tube in her nose, down into her airway, and another tube into her stomach so she could receive nutrition. This would all be done under anesthesia or during her "sleepy stuffs" as she called it.

Addressing Their Reactions

She took the news well. She knew that her breathing wasn't great. She wanted to know if our nurse friends from different areas of the hospital would come see her. Absolutely. They will be around when they can. We told her we'd like to let her wake up some while intubated, so she could watch movies, play games, color, etc. But assured her if it was too much, we could give her meds to make her drowsy during the intubation period. It was up to her.

Encouraging Open Dialogue

One thing we've always emphasized in our family is open dialogue—no question too silly or emotion too big—and this situation was no different.

She asked some questions along the way. But, the explanation we gave her was enough and she had minimal anxiety leading up to the surgery.

Finding Comfort Together

After discussing everything thoroughly, we shifted our focus towards finding comfort together—not just individually but collectively as a family unit.  We made family time a priority prior to surgery and talked about ways to help her feel connected to family, especially her sister, while recovering.

Lessons Learned Along Way…

Reflecting back now upon this journey, especially tackling scary/difficult topics, we learned some valuable lessons:

1) **Honesty doesn’t mean harshness**—Being truthful doesn’t equate being brutally blunt but rather involves careful consideration ensuring the message is conveyed appropriately, in language she understood. As a kiddo with complex health issues, we would be no strangers to procedures. We had to ensure that we preserved trust in relationships with her care teams.

2) **Emotions aren’t weaknesses**—Encouraging the expression of feelings openly, without fear or judgment, fosters an environment wherein vulnerability is viewed as a strength, enabling deeper conversations without fear of repercussions.

3) **Togetherness triumphs adversity**—Facing challenges on a united front transforms potentially isolating experiences into a strength in numbers situation. She wouldn't be alone. She wasn't facing this alone. It was a "we" situation. WE were/are in this together.

Navigating treacherous waters requires courage, patience, and above all else, LOVE. So the next time you face the daunting task of sharing potentially scary information with your child, take heart knowing that presenting a united front, using age appropriate words, and love, will help steer the ship safely ashore. In this family, we are honest. And no one faces hard stuff alone.

Stay Connected for More Heartfelt Moments

Navigating the tricky waters of sharing scary information with your child can feel like walking a tightrope, can't it? We've been there too, and we're here to help you turn these tough conversations into opportunities for growth and bonding. Our journey through this challenge was filled with ups and downs, but it ultimately brought our family closer together.

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